Monday, August 2, 2010

I Think I Am Almost Ready to Give Up

I think I am almost ready to give up.

Ding. Turn the page.


Ding. Turn the page.

Sometimes I will attack a poet or a groundhog to jump-start the hormones which will make me feel alive for thirty-seven minutes. One afternoon.

Ding. Turn the page.

I will often wait for the groundhog or poet to consume me in an act of retaliation.

But both groundhogs and poets are terrible at consuming. Anything.

Ding. Turn the page.

And then I am back at Square One.

I had at least hoped to only be sent back to Square Four.

I am told Square Four offers the possibility of interesting nervous breakdowns.

Square Three is all starfuckers. Lots of really nasty s.t.d.s.

And Square Five is populated exclusively by robots.

Ding. Turn the page.

Both auto-erotic asphyxiation and Oprah have let me down.

Ding. Turn the page.

My existence is like this horrible thing which keeps auto-saving itself at thirty second intervals.

What if I want the system to crash and lose all the documents.

That autosave function is not, contrary to popular belief, "a godsend."

Ding. Turn the page.

Recently, I felt it building to what I was sure was a climax.

I was almost certain.

I was almost ready to Give Up.

Ding. Turn the page.

And then something gave me illusory hope.

People had videotaped the Chupacabra.

I felt my heart skip, like when I know I'm going to get laid really good.

Ding. Turn the page.

The chupacabra turned out to be a coyote with the mange.

The coyote's absolutely shocking Will to Live.

Oprah, talk about that.

Ding. Turn the page.

A Will to Live can attack you.

Oprah, undergo a Crisis of the Soul.

And drag all of America along with You.

Oprah, invite guests on Your show and then when they start talking cheerfully about whatever book or ice cream they are selling, Oprah, interrupt them midsentence with a frenzied outpouring of panicbabble babblepanic about how the mice You and Gail poisoned in Your Kitchen are now depositing their dying mice children on Your Kitchen Floor.

At regular intervals, demonstrate a directed consciousness.

A consciousness directed at shaming.

And talk about how You keep each dead mouse child under a bell glass.

Ding. Turn the page.

And how dead mice have features which will shrivel up.

So their faces sort of look like children's faces.

While this is not true of live mice at all.

Live mice do not enjoy the same anthropomorphic privilege.

The privilege that dead mice do.

Ding. Turn the page.

It's like I thought about calling you, but I put the phone back down.

You would only do that thing you do.

You would set fire to your apartment while you were talking to me on the phone.

So you could get away from the phone conversation.

And you would make sure I hear the fire engines arriving.

And the actual crackling of the flames on the furniture.

You would want to assure me the fire was real.

Ding. Turn the page.

And I would say "Okay" when you told me the thermometer with the bunny rabbits had just exploded.

And you had no idea where your cat was in the fire.

So I say "okay."

Ding. Turn the page.

Meaning "save yourself if you must."

Ding. Turn the page.

I would try not to make it sound too "passive-aggressive."

Ding. Turn the page.

This is a way that people can be with each other.

This pretending that a conversation is back and forth.

A conversation is almost never back and forth.

That is just a convention of the page.

A conversation is more like Silly String.

The desire to cover someone's face with Silly String.

To give a girl or a guy a cum facial.

People are joshing with nature a lot in their conversations.

It's like the ghost of language.

Is always in on the conversation and you have the sense it's listening in.

So you try to make sentences that you don't think nature will roll its eyes at.

But it often happens that it does.

Nature rolls its eyes.

At your funny sentences.

I think.

Ding. Turn the page.

Sometimes I push a shopping cart around a store when I am not actually shopping.

Ding. Turn the page.

When a concept turns into a human being, we say we are "falling in love."

Ding. Turn the page.

When a person turns into a concept, we say we are "distancing ourself."

Ding. Turn the page.

This page is exceedingly self-absorbed.

I would leave it as quickly as you can.

Ding. Turn the page.

The desire to steal a shopping cart that only has a few items in it is a universal desire.

To start from somebody's else shopping they have only begun.

And stupidly wandered away from their cart.

Leaving it in your "full view."

Ding. Turn the page.

Two people will sometimes argue and scream furiously in a store over a shopping cart.

There may be accusations of rape.

The Rape of the Shopping Cart.

Is a famous painting.

Or it should be.

Ding. Turn the page.

"You can't rape a shopping cart" is something men say to make each other laugh in a bar.

Or maybe it's "You can't rape the willing."

I forget.

Ding. Turn the page.

A beheaded frog can have a point. Dancing.

Mary Shelley wasn't really writing science fiction.

People were actually doing those things with dead bodies in her lifetime.

Batteries got everybody so excited you can't even imagine.

People Dancing During the Enlightenment.

Is the name of a film I would like to make.

Ding. Turn the page.

That face you make.

Ding. Turn the page.

Only things make me happy.

Ideas are only accidents.

That happen around things.

Ding. Turn the page.

I keep happening and this used to be a great wonder to me.

You keep happening too.

Happening is a funny word.

If you write it a bunch of times it will get even weirder.

Like almost all words.

Ding. Turn the page.

Words like "so" and "and" are exceptions.

Ding. Turn the page.

One day I would like to teach you absolutely nothing.

Ding. Turn the page.

I could say something like "the material production of a book is designed to mimic the material production of a building."

And talk about how this is an extension of capitalist thought.

Because books could be wispy things.

Books could be like clouds.

Give you a line of shit like that.

Because I know how you love hanging things out to dry on that clothesline mind of yours.

Ding. Turn the page.

Thinking says feeling is "all ghetto like that."

Feeling says the same thing about thinking.

But who wears more bling.

I mean really.

Let's not kid ourselves.

Ding. Turn the page.

Two people refuse to capitalize each other's names.

And this starts a Great War.

It becomes like a World War or something.

Ding. Turn the page.

Erotic spillover may be the sexiest motherfucking thing on the planet.

Ding. Turn the page.

Give it all away.

Try to.

You're a cloud.

An urban cloud.

You curse your cloudness and we laugh.

You are the most inside of inside jokes.

Whatever happened to rain?

Don't clouds do that anymore?

That rain thing.

Ding. Turn the page.

Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

Look closely.

Put an apostrophe after your name.

Then add an S.

What happens?

Ding. Turn the page.

"You're too late!" is one of the favorite lines of movie villains.

For well over half a century now.

Ding. Turn the page.

You give me the creeps.

And it is a very beautiful thing.

Also, I like the stretch marks on your imagination.

Ding. Turn the page.

Marjorie spent her entire life blowing up balloons.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Ding. Turn the page.

When you are swollen you know you are excited.

Ding. Turn the page.

When others know you are swollen, you are in a vulnerable position.

To swell or not.

Can be a difficult decision.

Ding. Turn the page.

I don't hate on the swollen.

Merely because they swell.

I like to swell too.

Are you careful about whom you swell with.

Whom swells.

Swells in a way who doesn't.

Swell guy.

Women swell too.

But it's a little more subtle.

Their lips swell.

They smile all swollen.

It's a cheering sight.

I meant smell.


Ding. Turn the page.

The river was swollen so we couldn't get across.

A group of people kept explaining.

We get it.

You survived.

Ding. Turn the page.

That's most of television.

We get it.

Ding. Turn the page.

Dead people are on television a lot.

There are so many ways to be dead.

Just like there are so many ways to be 1) sexy 2) right 3) wrong 4) sexy 5) honest 6) sexy 7) forgotten etc.

I find it quite lovely.

Quite lovely and quite horribly necessary.

Ding. Turn the page.

We offer a quite bewildering range.

Ding. Turn the page.

Asterisks are for pussies.

Ding. Turn the page.

I would just like you to know.

Dingos go through with it.

Ding. Turn the page.

Men don't often go through with it.

Women do more often.

Ding. Turn the page.

This is really meant to be read backwards.

I don't mean the words.

I mean the sentences.

Scroll down and read the sentences in a backwards order.

Ding. Turn the page.


Ding. Turn the page.

The mental health system.

Understands the importance of cognitive noise.

One noise addict will try to shake down another.

It can get very sly.

Very sly and dicey.

Ding. Turn the page.

"What have you done with my dinosaur collection?"

The man was screaming at the institution.

Ding. Turn the page.

Excising something is a distinctly human trait.

Exercising is not.

Ding. Turn the page.

Evolution says me too, me too!

Ding. Turn the page.

I have cropped you out of the frame of the dream.

Ding. Turn the page.

I really only fell in love with your abruptness.

Ding. Turn the page.

It's easy to fall in love with a harbinger.

But who the hell can live with one?


Ding. Turn the page.

The way the inside of a KFC reminds me of ancient Rome.

Ding. Turn the page.

Jeff Koons started in vacuum cleaners.

Ding. Turn the page.

I want to make a porn film all about regret.

Ding. Turn the page.

What you do best is mews.

You are all about your mews.

I see you sweeping around your mews.


Ding. Turn the page.

Everybody has a stables.

A Staples nearby.

Ding. Turn the page.

This disease has a disease.

Ding. Turn the page.

Suffers from both sycophantism and elephantiasis.

Typical New Yorker.


Ding. Turn the page.

Suffers isn't exactly the word I was looking for.

Ding. Turn the page.

You are like.

All kissy-kissy with the Inferno.

Ding. Turn the page.

You ask how I want you to be.

And I say broadside.

If a shopping cart hits your thigh hard enough

you will end up with a grid pattern on your skin.

Ding. Turn the page.

Horny and arrogant.

Arrogant and horny.


Ding. Turn the page.


He said.

And vanished.

Ding. Turn the page.


Or spork?

Ding. Turn the page.

You keep choosing spork.

Ding. Turn the page.

The world is mostly counterexamples.

Ding. Turn the page.

(Something) is like chewing gum.

I have to go.

The repo men are here.

Ding. Turn the page.

The po men and the repo men went to war.

Ding. Turn the page.

Nothing is the matter with philosophy.

It's just your brain.

Ding. Turn the page.

A xerox of a xerox of a xerox of a xerox of a xerox, etc.

This bird said today. And shat on me.

Ding. Turn the page.

"Etcetera," the birds tweeted.

Lovely in the thoughtlessness tree.

Which was inside the thoughtlessness amusement park.

You find the best crumbs dropped by patrons.

Ding. Turn the page.

Dildo ditto.

Ding. Turn the page.

I am almost ready to give up almost.

Ding. Turn the page.

At first I was afraid.

I was petrified.

Ding. Turn the page.

He is the text's girlfriend.

A large group of people were insisting.

Ding. Turn the page.

I gave Dru some catnip and now he is making love to a shoe with his face the way a painting makes love to a museum.

Ding. Turn the page.

The endless are usually in love with endlessness.

And this surprises you Why?

Ding. Turn the page.

You can have a point if you must have one.

Here. Let me try to help you...

Gummi Bears
Gummi Burgers
Gummi Hot Dogs
Gummi Pizzas
Gummi Trolls
Gummi Cherries
Gummi Coca-Cola Bottles
Gummi Peaches
Gummi Sharks
Gummi Clown Fish
Gummi Frogs
Gummi Worms
Gummi Alligators
Gummi Octopuses
Gummi (Tuxedo) Penguins
Gummi Sour Bears
Gummi Waitresses
Gummi Penises
Gummi KKK Dragons
Gummi Labia Minora Nested Inside Gummi Labia Majora
Gummi Rimbauds
Gummi Zebras
Gummi Ted Bundys
Gummi Smiley Faces
Gummi Radioheads
Gummi Hippos
Gummi Coffins
Gummi Geezers
Gummi Whingers

Ding. Turn the page.

Oh My God. I made it to Square Thirty-Seven.

Why isn't there anyone here?

This Square must so suck.

Ding. Turn the page.

I saw you going up and down on a pogo stick.

On Square Thirty-Eight.

Ding. Turn the page.

A guy who thinks the Grand Canyon has a crush on him.

Will stand next to the Grand Canyon.

Have his picture taken there.

How it plays hard to get.


Ding. Turn the page.

I am almost ready to give up.

I imagined what it would feel like.

I thought it must felt like a man shoveling snow into a clothes dryer.

Standing there with his clothes dryer in the middle of a blizzard.

Shoveling snow into the dryer as fast as he can.

While the sky made ridiculous amounts of more snow.

And kept forwarding it to him like mail.

Ding. Turn the page.

A fly inside art's refrigerator.

A funny thing.

Ding. Turn the page.

Billions are dying right this moment.

A cut and paste sort of death.

Ding. Turn the page.

Yes, I am sure I am almost ready to give up.

Ding. Turn the page.

Everything is familiar.

The stranger said.

Ding. Turn the page.

You are clearly deletional.

Ding. Turn the page.

I meant delusional.

Ding. Turn the page.

This is a photograph of almost me.

Ding. Turn the page.

Almost is the strangest animal.

I want to find a giant dog. Like a warrior dog.

And train it to protect me.

And when it kills villians who try to kill me.

I will say Almost, they almost got me.

But Almost will sink his fangs in them.

Since dogs don't have fingers.

And rip their necks out.

And when the villains' mothers come looking for them.

I will them they were all slain by Almost.

And I will pat Almost on the head.

Right in front of them.

The villainous mothers.

"Madame, your villian son was killed by Almost."

I will champion him.

I will champion Almost.

Ding. Turn the page.

Whom do you champion?

Ding. Turn the page.

I asked nature a question.

And Nature answered while distracted.

Nature said "yes."

And then when I said, "Are you sure?"

Nature said "What?"

And Nature said "Oh. I don't know."

And I said "You said 'yes' before."

And Nature said "I know. But I wasn't really listening to you."

Nature said "I was distracted."


Ding. Turn the page.

The inevitable is good for laughs.

Ding. Turn the page.

Oh fuck.

My page Ding just broke.

Now how will you know?

Turn the page.

I mean that it's over.

Turn the page.

How will you ever know.

Turn the page.

When it's really really over.

Turn the page.

"Somehow" someone said.